


would you have me

by tsaritsas



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Bickering, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I love them so much, Love Confessions, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, but here have it, there always is, this is prob my last for a while so, zoyalai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsaritsas/pseuds/tsaritsas
Summary: Zoya gets hurt after a small skirmish with rebels and Nikolai visits her after.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov & Zoya Nazyalensky, Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 49





	would you have me

When Zoya jerked awake that night, she realised she was not in her bedroom but in the infirmary. 

She only vaguely remembered how she had ended up there, suspecting her memory was also affected by whatever had caused the throbbing in her head. Fragments of earlier in the day flooded before her: the argument they had, her storming out, walking through the palace grounds and into the city, the attack. Lastly, she remembered being scooped into someone’s arms just before her vision faded to black. What had she caused? What had she been thinking?

Suddenly, a familiar voice brought her back to reality. “Finally awake, are we, Nazyalensky?”

A rickety wooden chair had been placed next to her cot, the king sitting in it, looking more tired than he should ever have been. Even after all the years she had spent working with him, staying awake night after night to plan battle strategies and discuss the future of their country, she had never seen his eyes so rimmed with red, the dark circles more prominent than usual. His golden-blond hair was more dishevelled than usual, a piece falling onto his forehead that Zoya wished she could reach out and push back. Yet he still had a smile spread across his face as if he was sitting on the throne after a night well-rested. It was a smile that made her heart tighten behind her bruised ribs. 

“Why are you smiling?” she asked, her voice smaller than she would’ve liked. She raised an eyebrow, lowering it soon after to press a hand to the spot, which apparently had been strained by the action. “You look like you’ve been through hell and back.” 

“Maybe I have been,” he joked, though it seemed too half-hearted to have actually been one, even if he didn’t register that, “mentally at least.” 

“What do you mean?” She sat up, wincing at the pain as she leaned against the wall behind her. 

“Why, I’ve been through quite a journey today, my commander,” he mused. “It’s a very entertaining story if you haven’t heard.” 

She glared at him, causing him to smile even wider for a reason should not possibly comprehend. “Would you be surprised if I told you that I hadn’t?” she told him, trying her best to sound as annoyed as possible and counteract the blood rising to her cheeks.

“Truly?” He asked. “No, I’m not, considering you’re at the centre of it anyhow.” Though he was still smiling, his hazel eyes began to darken, leaving Zoya to ponder their earlier interaction that day. Normally, she found his optimism very much endearing, but the meeting just wasn’t the time and place for it. That was all. She still could not tell why he had been so offended by her response, considering that’s what was logical. The right thing to do for their country. 

  
  


_ “I don’t possibly understand what could have caused you to break off the engagement. That’s the last thing we need right now, another alliance falling to pieces.” _

_ “She wasn’t happy and neither was I. Yes, the alliance was important, but I could not let her live here in misery if it would be of no benefit to either of us. We’ll find another way to gain the support of the Shu. One that won’t doom Ehri or me to a life that neither of us wanted.” _

_ She rolled her eyes. “Oh, doomed is it. Marrying a princess, such a sorrow. I’ll be throwing a funeral for your happiness next week. I’m going to make the guest list after this meeting. So tragic, truly.”  _

  
  


She looked over at him, his eyes flicking from the window, then to her, then the window again. After spending so much time around her king, she could usually tell some part of what he was thinking, but right now she was absolutely clueless. The faraway look in his eyes seemed out of line when paired with his usual confident grin. It was too hard to read, or maybe that was just her pain meds. “Nikolai,” she said. His gaze moved back toward her, the unfamiliarity of the pain behind it making her uneasy. “Why did you come for me? In the city, after the attack.” 

“Why, I need my general, of course,” he responded, still smiling, “someone to spend time with so my handsome face does not go unappreciated.” He looked at her for a short time before his eyes lost focus again.

_ Oh, _ she thought,  _ you’re insufferable _ . “I’m sorry, but those of us who spend time with you know that your appearance is the only thing to appreciate about you.” she retorted. “That arrogance certainly isn’t worth appreciating.”

“So you think that my appearance is worth appreciating, my general?” 

Zoya rolled her eyes, turning her head so she was looking away from him. “That’s not the point.” She crossed her arms. “Why did you come after me today?” 

“As I said,” he smiled again, “I need my general.” Whether or not he knew it, the pain stayed behind his eyes. What had he been thinking?

“You can always find another general, your highness.” That’s what he had told her anyway. “We have a whole army of them. And I’m sure they wouldn’t be as willing to argue with them as I am.” 

  
  


_ “Zoya, that’s not what this is about.” _

_ “Well, you said that was why you broke off the engagement.”  _

_ “Let me explain–” _

_ “I don’t need another explanation. And why are you using my name?”  _

_ “I need you to listen.” _

_ “I think I have all I need.” _

_ “I suppose I will need to find a general who will listen to her king then.” _

_ “Stop making this bigger than it is.”  _

_ “I assure you, there is more to breaking off this engagement than Ehri and me.” _

  
  


He met her eyes again, just for a moment, a look of worry overtaking his usual carefree demeanour. But that look was gone before it came. “There’s no one I would rather argue with than you, Nazyalensky,” he smirked. 

Zoya could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. Damn him and damn his stupid charm and his stupid compliments. No one else who complimented her caused her to blush. What was this? She prayed that in the low lamplight he could not see her face. 

However, the light was not low enough, and he grinned even wider once he had noticed her reaction. “Why, my Zoya is perhaps not so ruthless after all.”

She turned away, her back hurting in the process, feeling the sting of the scars that she thought had closed. She could not– _ would not _ –let him have a clue of she felt anymore. “Never mind that. I wanna know why you ran out in the city, followed me after I told you I did not want to speak with you and now you’re here mocking me while I’m in a sickbed. Stop avoiding the topic and give me a real answer.” 

  
  


_ “What else could there have possibly been to cause you to make such a selfish decision?” _

_ “I thought you would have guessed by now.” _

_ “Guessed what?” _

_ “Zoya, I’ve asked before.” _

_ “Asked what?” _

_ “You’re joking.” _

_ “What makes you think I’m in the mood for jokes right now? And cease using my first name.” _

  
  


Nikolai’s tone was no longer lighthearted, and he sighed in frustration to her demands. “Someone had to make sure you were safe, Nazyalensky.”

The weight of his words was almost too much for her to take, and she was glad then that she could not see his face because she knew his expression, whatever it was, may or may not cause her heart to break. “I can do that fine myself, thanks,” she replied, feeling the unwelcome burning of tears behind her eyes.  _ Not now.  _ “I had already defeated those asinine rebels who thought they could take me before you came.”

Footsteps began to creak on the floor behind her. Finally, he was leaving. But she realized her mistake as they became closer, and suddenly she felt the edge of her cot dip behind her back. Nikolai had taken a seat on the edge of her bed. “Zoya,” he said firmly. He reached for her hand, and she swatted him away. She felt the tears threatening to spill over. 

  
  


_ “Be my queen.” _

_ “I already told you no.”  _

_ “Please reconsider.” _

_ “I told you I didn’t want to be your queen. Now let it go.” She stormed toward the doors of the meeting room. “Goodbye, your highness.” _

  
  


“I’m sorry,” she said, almost involuntarily. What was she doing? She had been right, hadn’t she?

She could almost see him smirking behind her, feigning fake surprise with a mocking gasp. “Did Zoya Nazyalensky just apologize to  _ me?” _

She snapped. “Shut _ up.” _

“Zoya,” he repeated, his tone suddenly turning sombre, “I know you like to have your problems solved. Get it all over with. You have always been my ruthless Zoya, and if that ever changed then I don’t know what I would do with myself.” He took a deep breath. “No one can stop you from accomplishing anything you wish to. They end up dead if they try. But it takes time to solve problems, and even if you think you’ve found a solution, that doesn’t mean there’s not a better one.” 

He paused. “You put the needs of Ravka above yourself. And I know would never even think of admitting it, but it will take a toll on you.” He sighed, knowing from experience the burden it caused. “Now I know you’re more than capable of looking after yourself,” his continued, his voice lowering, softening, “but that does not mean there are not people looking after you still.” 

Against all of her efforts, tears began to stream down her face, the strain and intensity of the past months finally surfacing. Why now? Why  _ here? _ Why all of this? Why  _ him? _ Zoya hated the envy that came uninvited when he mentioned his fiancée. She hated after all this time, after doing what was right, he had thrown it all away and toyed with her heart in the process. She had spent so long knowing that she and Nikolai were never a possibility, and had almost accepted it before he had broken off his engagement with Ehri. She hated not knowing what they were, now that Ehri was gone. If that possibility was still there at all. She hated more than anything that she was here in an infirmary bed, crying in front of someone she wished would never see,  _ because _ of someone she wished would never see. Her walls had come crashing down despite everything she had done to keep them up, and she would never be able to change what he would see or how he would think of her. 

She reached up with the back of her hand to wipe her eyes, hoping more than anything that Nikolai hadn’t noticed the tears yet. Yet before she could lift her hand, he was already there, his thumb travelling her cheekbone to wipe her tears away, the featherlight touch of his fingertips causing her thoughts to cloud. Her brain felt too blurry, so better judgment faded away, and she placed her hand over his, holding it to her. He moved his hand slightly, only so he could cup her jaw, and she leaned into the warmth. She closed her eyes, surprised by how her heart rate began to lower, how her breathing evened out, how Nikolai had managed to be her undoing and stitch her back together in so little time. Zoya wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, cupping her face as if she would break if he let go. 

She did not remember exactly when he had lifted his arm, and she felt the absence where his hand had been on her cheek. She did not remember exactly when he lay down beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist from behind, and despite her mind’s protests, she held onto him for dear life because she did not know what she would do if he left. When he pulled her closer, she almost fell apart again. “I’m not going anywhere, Zoya,” he spoke affectionately, only for her to hear. The way he said her name sent a current of longing through her. She let her eyes close again, trying once again to ground herself, to remember that she was safe, that the security she felt in his arms was in fact, real. He held her too carefully, almost like he thought she could shatter at any moment. Nikolai comforted her while she cried silently, softly caressing her hair as she held her hands over his, while her stress, heartbreak,  _ everything _ that had been on shoulders flooded out. 

Eventually, after the tears had ceased to flow, she opened her eyes and turned to him, his arms still hugging her waist. She wrapped her arms around him too, and his face was barely an inch from hers as she stared into his gorgeous hazel eyes, the golden flecks in them shining as he met her gaze.  _ Saints _ , he was breathtaking. How could she have forgotten?

He brought a hand to gently cup her cheek as she rested her forehead against his. “You know, I would have been fine,” Zoya said quietly, smiling sincerely for the first time in what felt like an eternity. 

“I know,” Nikolai murmured. He pressed a quick kiss to her lips, and she felt her thoughts dissolve once more. “But I promised myself when I broke off the engagement,” he explained, “that no matter how many times you hurt me or broke my heart, I would always come back for you.”

She laughed, for the first time in what felt like ages. Quietly, and only once because it hurt her chest to do so. Even if she could still feel the tears sting her eyes, she finally felt happy after all this time.  _ This, _ she realised, was how she was supposed to feel when you loved someone and they loved you. She was battered, exhausted, and bruised, but happy. “And why is that?”

“Because my heart,” he whispered, “only belongs to you.” He pressed his lips over hers again, kissing her deeper to seal a promise he had waited so long to make. She opened her mouth under his as her hand went to his jaw, tracing it, then to his hair as she ran her fingers through his soft golden curls. He pulled her closer, making sure there was no space left between them. It occurred to Zoya then that despite everything he had or said since his engagement, he needed her too, and she had never been alone in that feeling of wanting. He had driven her close to madness over the years, and she realized he was only going to drive her closer as everything else faded away and it was only the two of them alone, his lips soft on hers telling her everything he couldn’t say. They broke away a few moments later, only so he could meet her eyes. There was something in his gaze she couldn’t quite place. Whatever it was, it caused her heart to melt, and she hugged him tighter, laying her head in his chest before they drifted off to sleep. 

After what had been so long, both of them could finally rest. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, here have another one i promise ill stop bothering you after this. once again, eye bleach and amnesia is provided free


End file.
